The Ice Pirates

The Ice Pirates (1984) was the film that launched this site. So camp, so stupid and yet so utterly brilliant, the poster alone tells a million stories!

Watch Trailer!!!!

As the tagline boasted, "You Have To be There To See It!"

As Neth pointed out when he first saw the poster; "this is possibly the best poster for a movie I've ever seen in my entire life. It tells me that the film has everything I need to enjoy myself: a camp comedy sidekick; a lully princess; people being chased by a machine with big wheels; a robot with a puppet on his shoulder; owls; swords; a man whose thumb illuminates; and a pissed off gopher with a nipple on his head." I mean, does anything else need to be said?? Outstanding Private Neth.

The story begins with our band of heros aboard their own ship about to attack and board another, an evil Templar ship carrying the all precious water.

Impossibly large ray gun? Check.

Very silly costumes? Check.

But what's behind the wall they are blowing up?

Why, an alien having a crap, of course!!

Amazingly we are about 5 minutes into the film and already I had decided that I had found the greatest film ever made.

That feeling was confirmed when I realised that the producers had been shopping for their effects at the local Toys 'R' Us. It may not be R2D2, but this little fella has a built in alarm clock and FM/AM radio. The advanced version came with three different alarms, - a beep, a buzz and a beeb but at different intervals to the first which was considered revolutionary at the time- but when they calculated Ron Perlman's estimated food costs, they stuck with the basic model.

Beware the evil Templars!

With golden wrapping paper from the bargain bins of WH Smith adorning their heads, the evil Templars rule the galaxy and command all the water. They are ruthless and intend on enslaving all who dare to cross them. Unfortunatley for our heroic pirate crew, these despots capture than and, er, intend to castrate them and sell them into slavery! As you do!

AAGGGHHH!!! A conveyor belt of castration, and they are so evil they don't even shackle the pirates. Look at them, riding around having a laugh when all they have to do is get off as the Templars have forgotten to tie them down. They just don't realize it! Oh the horror of it all!!

Obviously they get away, but then an even worse fate awaits them.... Space Herpes. But don't for a second believe this means Anjelica Houston gets a coldsore, oh hell no, this is science fiction at its very best you know........

Yes, that is a herpe apparently.

From then on its battles, rapid aging, children, more battles, more campness, bizarre costumes and David Carradine's dad in a bio-dome with more battle robots kicking each other in the privates. Loads more planets and loads more barfights with bountyhunters in a futurstic monster truck all coming together to reach the mythical Seventh World.

Just watch it and experience the mentalism for yourself.

Special effects by an Atari ST? Who cares? Sit back and marvel at the majesty that is The Ice Pirates.

Ahhhhhh, everyone loves a happy ending.

DJR.